im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
