i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
