Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
