you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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