theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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