You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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