bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize