I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
