Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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