I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
