Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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