Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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