hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
