I just made out with a guy for $7.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
