laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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