OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
