just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
