he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
