took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
