I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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