i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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