i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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