She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
