So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
