I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
