At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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