Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
