I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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