so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
