if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
