i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
