So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
