shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
