so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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