he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
