Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
