Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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