the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
