every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
