Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
