You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
