Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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