Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
