when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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