Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I am midnight drunk by noon
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
