I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
me + whiskey = a bad person
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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