I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
