Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
