I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
