dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My pussy is not your playground.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
