dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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