Small penises have feelings too.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
