Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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