I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
