I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
