Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
