Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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