CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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