Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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