eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
