I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
