he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
