The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
