I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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