Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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