I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
