dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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