I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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