My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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